Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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Warm pools make me nervous.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.