Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?