Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie