Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain