So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Autocorrect is my menesis
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*