Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Have kids, they said
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one