I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!