*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
sugar glider wrangler
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
No. YOU-buprofen.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*