In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo