“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.