Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH