You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
not to brag, but mine was free
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
This is a true ally.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
yeah no that’s fair
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards