You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.