You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
![]()
You Might Also Like
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
![]()
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
![]()
Knock Knock
![]()
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
![]()
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No