The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
🤣🤣🤣
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.