Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.