Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”