I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
no their not
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck