I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*pokes sex life with a stick
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.