Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.