I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.