I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
R.I.P.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
S M O L
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict