Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
anyone else like Italian cereal
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
FINE, I WON’T.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.