My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I beg your pardon?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?