Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy