My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.