The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
any last words?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.