The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Reasons to jump:
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?