Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
You Might Also Like
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.