“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’m giving up ice.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I think I’ll stand
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.