IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
The fall of Netflix
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.