If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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depression for dummies
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.