a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Had to try this trend 😊
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”