I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You Might Also Like
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.