I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Incredible customer service.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
That’s what I call a flat tire
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.