[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.