Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Don’t touch that.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.