Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.