[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
dutch is not a serious language
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
dude it’s called proctologist
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed