Wait a minute
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.