Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.