Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
You Might Also Like
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me