Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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