Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
can I use a minion as a tampon
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.