*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My last name is Zilla.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
They’re really bad with fonts.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
the #horror is real!
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.