“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.