I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Merry Christmas
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.