Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.