I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I hate my earbuds.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road