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[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.