It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You Might Also Like
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon