*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid