I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.